The Top 10 Reasons I Will Never Let You Find My Bat-Mitzvah Video
BY DANI FAITH LEONARD
I think it’s just plain cruel to film a thirteen-year-old. Everyone goes through an awkward phase and for Jews, it’s an extended one (if you are offended, you are lying to yourself). My awkward phase started around 8 years old and lasted until around 22. It definitely reached its peak one fateful week - the week I turned thirteen and celebrated it with 200 people - friends, immediate family, and strangers that my parents and grandparents seemed to know that I had never seen before and haven’t seen since (thanks for the savings bond, Estelle!).
To make matters worse, these awkward moments were immortalized on film, for my Mom to save and show to every single boyfriend I have taken to meet my parents (thankfully, there wont be a VHS player in the house much longer). Who films these videos anyway? And, more importantly, who the fuck edits them with pastel graphics and way to many “creative” fades?
Here are my TOP 10 REASONS I WILL NEVER LET YOU FIND MY BAT MITZVAH VIDEO:
10 - The photo slide-show // Every bat-mitzvah video has to start off with a slide show of pictures that follow the young, awkward child through every phase of childhood. In most of these photos, I am naked. It is not totally weird for a young child to run around naked, but it is strange to edit these photos into a slide show. Imagine if your parents had a slideshow of naked pics of you, complete with pastel graphics and played to the music of Carly Simon?
9 - The halo of frizzy hair that was styled into pin curls on top of my head // As if my awkward face wasn’t bad enough, why don’t you pin my hair back so you can see it in all of its glory?
8- My sea foam green baby-doll dress and matching shoes // No explanation necessary.
7- A fifteen-minute montage of all of the food at the cocktail hour set to the music of Kenny G. // You think Jews like food? One of my relatives cried when the ice-sculpture of my name (tacky?) melted into the pigs-in-a-blanket.
6- My extravagant theme party // Most people choose a theme for their bat-mitzvah, especially on Long Island. Mine was the Oscars - nice, right? The party favor was chocolate Oscars that my Mom and I spent weeks making. There they were, sitting in front of all of the place settings. The only problem is that my birthday is in June and it was 90 degrees out. The Oscars started to melt and looked like 8-inch erect penises in front of everybody’s plate. Bon Appétit!
5- “Motivational” dancers // There is nothing motivational about sequins, spandex and the Macarena.
4- I was still six inches taller than all of the boys at the party // This means that their faces were right at breast height when slow-dancing. And it also means that I felt like an ogre.
3- My orthodontist always knew how to ruin the day // I had the worst orthodontist. I needed braces for minor corrections, but for some reason, I had them on from 6th grade to 10th grade. This douchey guy was the bane of my existence for most of my adolescence. However, I was able to convince him to temporarily take off my braces for the party. He removed the braces and then, for fear of my teeth shifting a millimeter, he completely covered them in bonding glue, which is neither attractive nor practical.
2- My new breasts // Prior to that week, I had little mosquito bites. Then something happened a few days before my thirteenth birthday. Although now I’m grateful for the abundance, it was mortifying and a lot to get used to in just a few days time. My dress didn’t fit and, for some strange reason, nobody told me I needed to wear a bra. Every time I bent down to light a candle, my tits would be just a heartbeat away from flopping out of the ugly dress and into the flame. The light at the end of the tunnel - too many nip-slips prevented my Mom from keeping a photo album.
1- My Mom made me sing “The Wind Beneath My Wings” to my parents because they are my heroes. I’m not kidding.