The Top 10 Strangest Things People Have Said to Me on the Subway
BY DANI FAITH LEONARD
If you live in NYC, you know that there always seems to be train traffic ahead. You also know that when you do get stuck between two stops, you are always sitting next to the biggest wacko on the train (or perhaps that you have ever seen in your life). If you aren’t careful (i.e. listening to your ipod or with your head buried in a book), this person will invariably speak to you and it will be awkward.
Here are the Top 10 Strangest Things People Have Said to Me on the Subway:
10. I heard that you work in the film industry. I am currently homeless but if you are producing a film, I know Angie’s people. I can help you make the big time. // I pinched myself when I heard this gem. I thought I must have been drunk or high or delirious. I gave him some change and he went on his way. I’m assuming he was just nuts, but in show business, you never really know.
9. Can I read you? // I was assuming that this old gypsy lady meant that she wanted to read my aura or fortune or something. I pretended not to speak English and she bought it. What a great psychic.
8. I have a mole just like yours. // Is that your pick up line? Am I on some kind of Punk’d reality show? Get some game.
7. Can you take my baby? // This single Dad just wanted me to take his baby for a few hours while he made a “business deal.” It still haunts me that I didn’t take the baby and call child services.
6. I see that you’re reading a script. Can you read my porn script out loud so I can see how the dialogue is coming together? // Why do I even bother to read scripts on the train? Someone always asks me about them. I told him that I wouldn’t read the script. He proceeded to read it out loud to me instead. The dialogue was fine.
5. Do you want to fuck Mick Jagger? // Why would this crazy looking dude with a greasy, blonde mullet know Mick Jagger? He turned out to be his personal photographer. I looked through his portfolio on his ipad and it was awesome. I didn’t go to the party that he invited me to, though, and I have definitely not fucked Mick Jagger.
4. Do you think I would look gay if I groomed my eyebrows? // This man had a unibrow, the likes of which have not shocked the hell out of people since Bert and Ernie first made their appearance on Sesame Street. I told him it would not look gay and he should get over to a salon immediately. The beautiful genius exclaimed, “That’s what everybody says!”
3. Who the fuck is Justin Bieber? // I didn’t even know how to explain to this man that Justin Bieber is a little boy singer who looks like a Brooklyn hipster or a cute lesbian.
2. (elderly tourist pointing at the conductor’s booth) Is that the bathroom? // She was so old. If I was a really cruel person, I could have said yes and the conductor would have had a nasty little surprise. Honestly, it does look like a bathroom.
1. How much do you charge?