The Top 10 Strange Headlines I Read Recently That Creeped Me Out
BY DANI FAITH LEONARD
August is a slow month. It seems that everybody I know is on vacation (at least mentally). With more time on my hands, I find myself watching more TV and compulsively checking up on the latest news posted online.
Do you know what else must be slow in August? The news. The last troops pulled out of Iraq, the floods in Pakistan are devastating and the Gulf is still a mess. Other than these headlines, the news has just been, for lack of a better term, fucked up.
Here are the Top 10 Strange Headlines I Read Recently That Creeped Me Out:
10. Kim Kardashian’s 4 million twitter followers went nuts when she uploaded a photo from her upcoming 2011 calendar titled “June.” // There is nothing particularly creepy about this headline, yet it still doesn’t sit well with me. If I knew that a family could become a collective overnight sensation completely due to ass-size, I would have planned my life out differently. As far as asses go, my family could be like royalty - the Kennedys of asses. I guess it’s not too late. Some great butt exercises combined with all of the wine and brie cheese I consume should do the trick.
9. South Sudan plans animal shaped cities // When I was in nursery school and they asked me what I wanted to do when I grow up, I said that I wanted to rule the world. Maybe at four years old I would have wanted animal shaped cities (they are also planning another one shaped like a pineapple). However, in my imaginary world as a four-year-old, people in the animal-city region would have had clean drinking water and make more than an average of $2,000 a year (per capita income in Sudan is just $2,300). This project will take billions of dollars to complete and several years. Don’t you think they have more important things to focus on?
8. Jet Blue diva Steven Slater now has a publicist because he is getting so many “offers” // This guy will either fade away really fast (although his court case will probably keep him in the headlines for a while) or he will have a reality show, probably on Bravo, about the world of bat-shit crazy flight attendants.
7. A Kentucky family has sued Wal-Mart, saying they found a dead mouse in a milk container the family had been drinking from for three days // The milk didn’t taste at all strange to you? The carton wasn’t a little bit heavier than usual? When your marshmallows in your lucky charms were covered in fur you didn’t check the container? Something smells a little funny about this story to me (and not just the dead mouse smell coming from their fridge).
6. Porn director Stephen Shiu is proposing the first IMAX 3D pornographic film to be produced in Hong Kong // The first ever IMAX 3D porn movie is coming soon! The director stated that there will be many close-ups and it will look as if the actors are only a few centimeters from the audience. Doesn’t everybody want a 60-foot-tall penis flying at his face?
5. A Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger made it’s debut at the Wisconsin State Fair // Oh, America. This is just lovely. This is not the first time I’ve heard about the Doughnut Cheeseburger. Watch this video of Food Network host Paula Dean’s “Heart Attack on a Platter”:
4. A Malawian man claimed that he has somehow developed female parts. Jali Mateyu believes that after his scorned wife left him when he brought a new woman home, his former mother-in-law cursed him with a second set of genitalia // Obviously, this can’t be true. But if it is and this curse is a possibility, where can I learn it and how quickly can it be effective on my ex-boyfriends?
3. The doctor confirmed the good news for Ron Sveden once the mass in his left lung came back from the lab: He didn't have cancer. He had a pea sprouting inside his chest // Holy shit! This guy had a mass in his chest and it was really a plant? I might not eat peas ever again! (FYI - just googled it and you can actually grow marijuana in your lungs and people have tried it.)
2. All of the news about Montana Fishburne’s sex tape // What strikes me as odd is that this might be the only sex tape ever (that people might actually buy) with both the words “fish” and “burn” in the title.
1. The Move the Earth Ministry organized a “Jesus Shore” event of Christian music and activities where the cast of the Jersey Shore usually films. While the cast of the Jersey Shore promotes their lifestyle of GTL (Gym-Tan-Laundry), they were promoting PTL - Praise-The-Lord. I’m not kidding.