The Top 10 Things That I Find Strange About This Season of “Jersey Shore” (So Far)
BY DANI FAITH LEONARD
Another Thursday night has passed and another episode of The Jersey Shore has graced my TV. I’m not going to say that this season is worse than the first season of the show, but a little bit of the novelty has definitely worn off. I guess the producers (and definitely the cast) are aware of this and have made some changes to accommodate our lack of shock when we spot a poof or a blow-out. These changes leave me, at times, a little confused about my favorite loud-mouthed, orange-tinted characters. Here are The Top 10 Things That I Find Strange About This Season of Jersey Shore (So Far):
10 - Snooki still has not mastered her poof // This thing is so famous that you would think she would have it down to a science. However, the poof is, dare I say, less predictable than it was last year. It’s always higher on one side than the other, which is highlighted by her new red streaks. Is it like a mood ring? A “mood poof”? Does it lean to one side when she is happy and to another side when she is sad?
9 - New nicknames // I guess they knew that “The Situation” and “Snooki” were a little played out, so now “The Sitch” and “Snooks” terrorize Miami together. If you were going to be in Miami, you couldn’t change your nickname to match? What about “Snooki-Samba” or “Sitchio Iglesias”?
8 - J-Woww’s new role as the Jersey Shore genius // Since when did J-Woww get so smart? I guess like beauty, brains are in the eye of the beholder. This season, Jenni has definitely taken on the role of the educated one in the house, advising Snooki and Angelina as her midget orange students. Did you see her write that note to Sammi? She was totally into the SAT words. What is she hiding from us? Would we, the audience, accept an Ivy League J-Wowww???
7 - Nobody has acknowledged that Ronnie looks like Barney Rubble.
6 - None of the single cast-mates have “smushed” yet // Last season, the hook-ups started early with Pauly D and J-Woww. So far, Vinny and Snooki almost smushed but they ended up just cuddling in bed. I personally would like to see Snooki and Vinny take it all the way. Maybe a threesome with The Sitch, Pauly D and Angelina (until The Situation splashes water on his face and realizes that she’s a grenade). **See definition of “grenade” below.
5 - Sammi’s nickname is still “Sweetheart” // Maybe it’s just me, but none of these girls are sweethearts. Lets take a look at some of my favorite female quotes this season:
Sammy - “I would legit beat the living shit out of Angelina & Ron at the same time if Ron & Angelina ever hooked up.”
Angelina - “Who cares? I’m single now, if I hook up with one of youz one night, who gives a fuck?”
Snooki- “White's in in Miami… what if you get your period? It’s ruined.”
Jenni- “At the end of the day you’re just a loser as it is & you’re a drunk skank with no job, so get it through your fuckin’ head, alright?”
Sweethearts they are not.
4 - The new self-aware cast creates their funny moments // One thing has become very clear so far this season - they know that they are funny! We loved their phrases and sayings last year, so the boys knew they had a lot to live up to this season. Last season, we learned GTL (gym-tan-laundry) and FTD (fresh-to death). This season, the guys are promoting a Grenade-Free America (GFA) in Miami (MIA). The hot-tub is a beneficiary of the Grenade-Free Foundation (GFF) and if you’re doggin’ your girl, you might end up in the I’m Fucked Foundation (IFF). **See full dictionary below.
3 - In a moment of extreme anger/passion, it seems to be ok to refer to your girl as “bro” // Once Ronnie was deep into the IFF (**see definition below), Sam was then only referred to as “bro.” Maybe it’s the only way the men feel ok fighting with the women. Maybe they just get confused cause these women are oh-so-feminine:
Snooki - “You farted & it’s coming in my mouth & nose.” Angelina - “Oops.”
2 - The Situation has emerged as the voice of reason // The other guys have increased their womanizing this year - Ronnie is cheating on Sammi and the others have said gems like:
Vinny - “I’m in Miami... I don’t want girls studying for finals; I want girls studying for dick!”
Pauly D - “[Vinny] spoons, I fork.”
While Vinny and Pauly D don’t seem too bothered about Ronnie’s cheating at the clubs, The Situation seems genuinely bothered. He actually has her welfare in mind:
The Situation - “Ronnie is feeding steaming ALPO to Sam, on a plate, cuz he’s doggin’ her so much.”
1 - The abundance of “grenades” in Miami // I went to school in Miami. Let me assure you that there are plenty of pretty girls. What surprises me is that these guys actually expect anything better than the “hippos” that they get! Maybe the guys should just accept that the only women who will go home with them, hook up in the hot tub and, later on, smush in their shared bedrooms, while being filmed for MTV are definitely going to be grenades!
Just in case you need it – The Jersey Shore dictionary //
Poof (noun) - the dead animal on Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s head.
Smush (verb) - to have sex. Example (past tense) - “We smushed on the boardwalk.”
GTL (a way of life) - Gym - Tan – Laundry.
FTD (a way of life) - Fresh to Death.
DTF (ideal situation) - Down to Fuck. Example - “I’m not looking to get married, I’m just looking for a girl who’s DTF.”
GFA (lobbyist organization) - Grenade Free America.
GFF (charitable cause) - Grenade Free Foundation.
IFF (where you don’t want to be) - I’m Fucked Foundation - where you end up when you cheat on your girlfriend with grenades in public and she finds out.
Grenade (noun) - an ugly girl, sometimes also known as a hippopotamus, who accompanies her hot friend to the house. You try to get with her friend and then the grenade blows up in your face. Example: “At one point in the hot tub, I splashed water in my face and I was like, (slow motion expression of shock) ‘We got grenades!’”
Doggin’ (verb) - Making a fool of your partner. Example - “Ronnie is feeding steaming ALPO to Sam, on a plate, cuz he’s doggin’ her so much.”
Summer teeth (noun) - Teeth that are all over the place. Example - “She had summer teeth. Some are like this... & some are like that.”