The Top 10 Trends That Need to Stop
BY DANI FAITH LEONARD
What’s worse than 80s shoulder pads? What’s worse than hip-hop hand gestures from white people? What’s worse than people tweeting about taking a shower or even a shit? Here are the Top 10 Trends That Need to Stop:
10 - Palaces in the Ghetto // Why is it that when you drive into a bad area everything is a palace? There’s a “Laundry Palace,” a “Chicken Palace,” and a “Waffle Palace.” I’ve been inside a Laundry Palace. There was nothing royal about it.
9 - Vampire Porn // It’s no secret that all of these vampire films and tv shows are basically soft-core porn, sometimes for dumb teenagers. Have you ever been inside a Blockbuster or other video store (I know the concept of a video store is pretty archaic)? The one thing that is never missing from an adult section is variety. Why not some witch porn or unicorn porn? (In unicorn porn, I’m sure it wouldn’t be desirable to be the bottom, but I’m sure there would be a ton of buyers.)
8 - Glen Beck drawing charts like there are actual facts on them.
7 - Reality TV Stars Turned Actors // The fact that you like attention and look decent on TV doesn’t mean that you are qualified or talented enough (or sane enough) to be an actor. Most of us actors love to act because we love the filmmaking process and the fun escape from reality it provides us with on a daily basis. This is the opposite of inviting a camera crew into your house and playing out your fake life in front of them until you totally lose touch with reality yourself. The fake face you paid $100,000 for isn’t helping you become the next Katherine Hepburn either.
6 - Purity Rings // Oh, these things are so silly. I know all of you conservative kiddies are banging! That’s why you’re all on that show Teen Mom! The purity rings remind me of this anti-drinking club that we had in High School. We all took the pledge because membership looked good on our college applications. The next night we got hammered at the Homecoming party. See you at Planned Parenthood!
5 - Hipster Beards // If I can tell you what you ate for lunch yesterday, it’s time to shave.
4 - Hipsters // There’s nothing hip about people who try too hard. I know you wanted me to think it was easy for you to grow out that facial hair, purchase those $300 thick-framed glasses, distress your clothes, put on that fedora and sit in the corner and read your vintage book. You’re not fooling anyone.
3 - Fake Doctor’s Orders // I was browsing the channels a few weeks ago and put on the Dr. Phil show for a few minutes. Just before the show went to commercial break he said, “Next on the show, I’m going to put some real VERBS in my SENTENCES.” His dumb-as-shit audience all stood up and cheered. If this man was a real doctor, many people would be very, very ill.
2 - Holiday Albums as Career Moves // Jessica Simpson’s music career isn’t doing too well. But Jessica and most other artists know that there is one album that the average mid-western soccer mom can’t ignore when it falls on the floor in front of her feet at her local Walmart - an album of her former favorite artist singing about Jesus.
1 - Gay couples adopting little Chinese babies and naming them Cher, Barbra or Liza.