The Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Never Sit in Starbucks for More Than 30 Minutes
BY DANI FAITH LEONARD
I recently read a book about the inner workings of the Starbucks Corporation and I was so impressed with their innovative rise to stardom. I love going into my local Starbucks for a coffee and a brief visit. I’ve even become friends with the baristas. A brief visit is just fine!
However, more than 30 min inside Starbucks and I could become a depressed, violent maniac. Here are The Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Never Sit in Starbucks for More Than 30 Minutes:
10 - The homeless man that inhabits the bathroom // After 30 min of sipping extra strong (and somewhat burnt) coffee, naturally, one would have to pee. As you make your way to the restroom, you notice a very familiar fragrance quickly wafting past you. And then it happens - the homeless man gets into the bathroom just before you do. He bathes in the 13” by 15” sink - an incredible feat for such a large guy. He even leaves a dreadlock for you on the toilet seat. Aren’t you glad you ordered a venti? Then you realize - wait...he lives here! He finally leaves and glances at you in disgust. Who are you to come into his home and be impatient?
9 - You might punch a tourist // I’m not sure if it’s the “I Love NY” t-shirt or the American flag trucker hat or the annoying questions like, “Do all New Yorkers own guns?” Maybe it’s the way they stroll and weave and stop in front of you on the sidewalk. I consider beating up a tourist at least once a day and in close quarters like Starbucks, they are so annoying I might do it.
8 - You might choke on a dry scone // I’m not a big pastry person to begin with and, to give Starbucks the benefit of the doubt, they never claimed to be a bakery. But really, does anybody eat those things and think, “Shit! That’s the most amazing scone I have ever tasted in my life!”?
7 - You might check the calorie count of your favorite drink // WARNING. IF YOU CHECK THE CALORIE COUNT OF YOUR FAVORITE STARBUCKS BEVERAGE, YOU WILL BECOME DEPRESSED. Depression leads to more eating and more eating leads to obesity. Therefore, I conclude that Starbucks is the cause of the American obesity epidemic.
6 - For women: You might get approached by a staggering man who knows that you are out of his league, but was so inspired by the cafe soundtrack and decor that he thought he was in a romantic Italian cafe. For men: You might get inspired by the decor and the soundtrack and forget that you aren’t in an Italian cafe. You might want to approach that woman who is way out of your league. Refrain. Please.
5 - You can easily get injured in a match of “Steal the Table” // People are catching on. Pretty soon it will be an Olympic sport. Part capture the flag, part track and field (sometimes there are hurdles) and part rugby, “Steal the Table” is a dangerous contact sport. Those tables open up only once every few hours, especially when the Asian mafia has come in for a study session (if you live in Queens, you definitely know what I’m talking about). One must pounce! Just don’t tell your doctor that’s how you tore your ACL. You’ll sound crazy.
4 - You will be forced to sit in on at least one business meeting...and you weren’t invited // If you are alone in Starbucks, you might get lonely. Not to worry! You can go to a business meeting. Why would these people wearing suits and talking about lofty things that Bill Gates wouldn’t understand be meeting in Starbucks? But the urge to converse can be so strong if you spent the large majority of your day by yourself. So you jump into the conversation with some random fact that you remember from Economics 101. They are not impressed. You can’t leave though. Not even extreme embarrassment can make you forfeit your table that you fought so hard for.
3 - Starbucks can turn the Grinch into an impulsive shopper // I have the entire Starbucks CD collection. Miniature espresso maker? Bought it. Collection of Starbucks chocolates? Bought it. Pretty little journals? I buy one per week. What is in the coffee that turns me into a shopaholic for shit that nobody needs?
2 - You might be tripped by a laptop wire because someone else needs the outlet // Maybe you finally stole that table, but you can’t plug into your laptop until you take somebody out with a power cord when they get up for a refill. It’s a tricky move. It definitely takes balls, but in order to move up the Starbucks food chain, it’s a maneuver one must master.
1 - You might die from an overdose of Sarah McLachlan // Some people think of Sarah McLachlan and think of adorable, sick puppies from the ASPCA commercials. Some people think of Sarah McLachlan and imagine thousands of lesbians swaying to her music, waving their lighters, their armpit hair blowing in the breeze. I think of death. The death of my coffee experience. Oh, Starbucks Music Programmer, why must you kill my daily dose of caffeine? Why would you make me, a rock fan, yearn for Ke$ha? You’re killing me!
* Thank you to Sara Lauren Adler for the Top 10 suggestion! Have a suggestion for next week? Leave me a comment!